Present Over Perfect

My son turned 7 weeks old this week. Though in my heart, the journey of motherhood started long before this milestone, officially, I have been a mom for 7 weeks. I'm officially back at work and getting accustomed to this new routine, and soaking up every minute of this season with my little boy who's not so little anymore. AP is growing up so fast. I stored away his newborn clothes last night. Suffice it to say, that was probably one of the more difficult things I've had to do in the last 7 weeks. Especially putting away his tiny camo onesie he wore home from the hospital. He's in 3-6 month clothes now, and that's exciting in itself, but I sure am going to miss that newborn phase.

Apart from the wonder of seeing my baby grow up in front of my very eyes, my thoughts have also gravitated toward the growth I see in myself. Physically, I'm healed, back in the thick of life, doing largely the same activities I had done only a few weeks ago, but something in me feels different. I think the biggest gift motherhood brought me, was finally feeling somewhat settled in my own skin.

First and foremost, my identity is rooted in God. For as long as I live, I hope Christ is the cornerstone of my being. On top of that though, a major change is this gift of the title of mom. What an honor!

At first I was obsessed with the thought of perfection. I'm sure moms can all relate to those first few days with a new baby. Are you holding him right? Is he eating enough? Is all this crying normal? Is he going to tell his therapist how horrible I was of a mom thirty years from now? Maybe not that far, but if you're like me, you had doubts and thought of whether or not you're good enough dash past your mind. Thankfully though, and to all of you freshly minted mamas, those baby blues don't last very long**.

Now, I feel settled, and confident -- not because of anything I do or don't do. I still will make mistakes I'm sure. There will be missteps here and there, but I LOVE this kid, like really, really love him, and I know love covers whatever gaps might exist in my execution. I'm learning, growing and always striving to improve, but I think what matters most, at the end of the day is being able to say, today I did and gave my absolute best for my son.

"Best" will look different everyday. Some days you may be operating on 3 hours of sleep and your best is simply getting up for one more feed just as you're dozing off. Some days you might only get to see him for 30 minutes because you were working all day and you caught him already asleep, but hey, you went out and got a paycheck so your son wouldn't grow up with a legacy of debt, and that makes that 30 minutes your best.

I already feel like presence over perfect is the first core value I've discovered as a parent. To know that my best isn't perfection, my best is being fully present in the love I have for my son. I can't wait to live that out and see what unfolds.

**I have to underscore how important it is to voice those thoughts to someone else. I so appreciate saying this aloud to my OB and having her look me firmly in the eye and remind me how strong I'd just been only a week ago. Negative thoughts, plus a surge of hormones coursing though your body -- it can all feel overwhelming, so please don't be in it alone.

AP's Day: Month I

I'm introducing a new tradition to my family. Every month, on the date of your birthday, we as a family celebrate you in one way or another -- nothing major. Even if it's just reminding you of who you are and all the things we love about you.

As our family gets bigger, I think it'll be a fun way to make sure all our kids get time to get loved on by us, and I see these as special date days, where each kid gets 1 day a month to go out with me and Derek and do something they love to do.

Today is the 18th, which makes today AP's Day!

A. You are every bit your name - you are happy, joyful and I consider myself very, very fortunate to be your mom. You are by far the easiest introduction to motherhood I could have hoped for. We can already tell you are going to be incredibly strong - you were strong making your way into this earth and you are strong still. Every day we ask God for the wisdom to mould your strength to be purposeful to His Kingdom.

You are a leader, and you know what you want, when you want it. You are also just the sweetest, and your smile melts our hearts every.single.time. You are determined and independent, but you also know when you need help, and take it when you can get it. Your touch can melt the stiffest of hearts and you will bring healing to a lot of people in this world. Your eyes are bright and you are incredibly aware, and I think you inherited my discernment, and I hope as you get older, you're able to look beyond the surface and see the heart of the matter in everything that's presented to you. I pray for wisdom to mark your character, all the days of your life.

God's word for you this month:

"There won't be a day, when He's not by your side, 

there won't be a day, than He'll let you fall.

In all of your life, His Word will be true, 

For all of your life, you will worship Him."

That my son, is the key, that's all you need. His Word, and to worship Him, because He is always by your side, and He will never let you fall. 

Just Call Me Mommy

It hit me today, 3 weeks into motherhood, how much I love being a mom. This is legitimately what I've wanted to do and be with all my heart since I can remember. Playing pretend with my dolls and getting my teddy bears dressed up in Sunday morning, stuffing a pillow up my shirt and waddling around the house like a pregnant woman -- these were the games that marked my young imaginary mind. Here I am now, in this moment I waited for my whole life - and it is not what I imagined at all.

The moment AP was born, the second I heard his cry, it's like someone set a spark to a part of my heart I didn't even know existed and my heart was ablaze. It was different to anything else I'd felt before. I love my husband with every cell in my body, but the love I have for my son is different. I chose to love my husband, I choose to love him everyday, to where now it's not a choice, it just is. He will always exist in the love I have for him. But with my son, it's different, there was no choosing to love him. It just is. Denying my love for him is impossible, there's no way to turn this flame off.

I love my son, I love being a mom, I am truly living my purpose and I'm already counting down the days to expanding the brood. One thing my years of daydreaming and pretend didn't prepare me for was how HARD it would be. 

It's hard to go from only worrying about yourself to having the existence of a whole other human being dependent on you. What he eats, what he learns, his perception of the world. It's hard to not sleep -- to know the second your body relaxes, it'll be time to wake up again. It's hard to lay in bed and feel the need to check if your sleeping child is ok 20 times a night. It's hard when you think no one can love your child more than you do and you doubt yourself and your partners' ability. It’s hard to realize breastfeeding is THE full-time job — there are literally no breaks. Once you decide to do it, you’re doing it. It’s on you to feed that baby, the second they need it.

It's hard, but man this love…rich, heady, all encompassing and satisfying.

I love, really, really love being a mom. This right here, this is living now.

Happy Mother's Day!

Pregnancy Highlights & Letting Go

It's officially 3 weeks to Asher's due date! Ah! Where did all the time go?

One thing I've been struggling with this week is questioning whether or not I've really, fully lived in every second of this pregnancy journey. Looking back, I'm trying so hard to remember the little moments. From finding out we were pregnant in our tiny condo, to 3 months being bed-ridden with morning sickness and dehydration, to seeing him waving and kicking at our first sonogram, to figuring out if I had a baby bump or a muffin top, to feeling those first flutters, to the miracle of Zofran, IV fluids and finally feeling alive again, to being able to get off medication and get my appetite back, to officially popping and realizing I can't see my toes, to acing my glucose and other wellness checks, to AP being shy hiding his face and wiggling his booty and costing us hundreds extra in follow up ultrasounds, to feeling him kick while I sit at my desk at work, to feeling him kick anytime he hears Derek's voice for the first time in the morning and after work, to sitting on the couch or laying in bed and watching my stomach contort in all sorts of shapes while he flips and stretches, to anticipating the unknown every step of the way!

Man, it's been such a great ride! I wouldn't trade the last 9 months for anything! I'm so excited to meet our little guy, but at the same time, I feel sad to leave this season behind. Being pregnant is probably the best gift I've ever received and wow, such a privilege. I don't take any of it for granted. God really knew what He was doing when He created this whole process.

The biggest lesson through it all has been giving up control. We were pretty lucky to pretty much get pregnant the month we decided to try. That's pretty much where our role in this whole thing ended. I remember looking in the mirror and FREAKING out because I didn't know what it would feel like for my stomach to grow. I literally remember asking Derek, "Am I just going to wake up one morning and poof, my body looks 100% different?" And a couple of weeks later, wouldn't you know it, I was washing the dishes, and literally felt my belly button pop out, haha.

Another not so minor freak out is not knowing what labor will feel like, or what it is that makes your water break. In my mind I want some sort of explanation or reason behind it, like, maybe I stood up too fast, maybe I bent down too low, you know...something! But everyone's story is so different and the common thread of it is, there's no way to know, it'll happen when it happens, or it may not even happen at all. My mind can't settle for that. I need to know how!!! I hate being caught unprepared, but again, a lesson in letting go.

Needless to say, this song has been on repeat the last few weeks, and as I prep my hospital playlist. I hope it helps you in whatever you may be going through.

Valentine's Day 2017

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope you are having fun celebrating with your friends, loved ones or that special someone. 

This is our first married, and it's got me feeling all sorts of nostalgic and lovey-dovey. I wasn't planning or expecting to do anything special for Valentines. We had a date night on Saturday and splurged more than we usually do, so I thought that would be it for our celebration, but then Derek decided we should at least go get each other a card. 

So I wake up this morning, and find on the dining room table, a card, a box of chocolate, and the best part of it all, was this great letter that was just...great! Derek totally won Valentine's Day this year, hands down. To which he said, "Stop, there's no winning, I just wanted to make it special for you." Gah! He wins even more.

It all got me thinking about how two weeks after we met, I heard a voice telling me, “this is it, this is love.” The only way I can describe that feeling is when you’ve saved up your entire life to go on vacation and see the ocean for the first time. So you finally get to pack your bags, and head out and land on a beach on a beautiful island. You walk to the shore line and wade in, anticipating a gentle caress of the ocean water, but instead, the tides catch you unprepared and knocks you off your feet. It's beautiful and overwhelming and fills you with joy and nervous energy all at the same time.

Until last year, I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's day & last year we were long-distance, so 2017 was literally my first card and box of chocolate from a boy! So to a certain extent, I have to admit I was a bit incredulous to the possibility that my prayers would be answered when it came to falling in love. We’ve all been there, we make our lists and check them twice, and we think we know and are ready for what’s to come, but you never really know until everything you want hits you in the face. Then, we get a chance to choose whether we’ll open your arms to it, or run away from it.

That moment for me was after I made a mistake, a totally unnecessary mistake born out of a mix of shame and lack of faith. I told a lie of omission, because I didn’t think it would matter. Unfortunately, for something that “didn’t matter”, the guilt of it ate me up inside, because a part of me knew I was falling in love and there was no room for lies or misunderstandings where we were going. So I confessed, and the way that my then-new-boyfriend handled it, and his gracefulness in that moment did it for me, and that’s when I heard that voice — quickly followed by a mini panic attack on my end like, “oh my gosh is this it?! oh my gosh is this it?! oh my gosh this is it!!!!” 

I had a great talk with my mentors about how to navigate different seasons in life and they said something that marked me forever. They said, the first thing they look for is a Word from the Lord. 

Sometimes we’re placed in situations that require an unshakeable trust in the things that the Father has said to look for in that season. Knowing His word gives momentary things a purpose. If you don’t have a Word from the Lord, get one: ask Him and He’ll find a way to show you.

So here we are standing on the threshold of the rest of the rest of our lives and whatever “it” looks like. I know that we’re still in the “ladida” honeymoon phase of our relationship, but I’m so grateful to know that through good times and bad times, I can lean on His Word over our lives.

Community – Finding A Tribe

One of the first questions we had to figure out while we were getting to know one another was what our beliefs were, our core values and of course, where our home base would be in terms of community and fellowship.

We both felt like we’d done enough church-hopping to where it wasn’t about finding the latest in a line of churches to go to once a week. I feel like in this season, believers are finding the importance of community, and breaking down the barrier between pulpit and congregation, and we wanted to be involved with people that really went after community and made it happen, not just using it as a tagline.

So our eyes quickly shifted from finding a “church” to finding a tribe. We wanted to find a group of people we could invest in not just once or twice a week, but have real friendships we could pull on, exercise leadership, be known and seen and know and see others. A place where our future kids would find history and be set up for life, and where we could potentially see ourselves changing the world from. We envisioned studying the Bible sitting around a fire, with kids around us making s’mores, or road trips to the beach after reading the Scriptures. We pictured sitting around a living room floor sharing testimonies and prayer requests and singing worship songs together. We saw meals around dinner tables celebrating feasts and holidays and birthdays and graduations.

Most importantly, we saw a family of believers gathered around what’s most important – truth of the Word in it’s entirety. Meaning loving and believing everything that God says to be true. Bible-study was one of our hugest priorities, and us being in a culture that emphasized studying the Bible and being priests in our own home, rather than waiting for someone on a stage or pulpit to feed us.

Equally important, if this was going to be a place we’d commit to, we’d have to feel peace about it. Sabbath days are supposed to be days of rest and community, it should recharge us for the rest of the week. So we wouldn’t say yes to a place that left us more exhausted than we were before we got there.

We’re still in the process of finding “it”, and we’ll keep you guys updated, but for now here’s a summary of what to look for while finding a tribe, that we’ve been applying in our lives:

1. A place that makes community family happen through the week: this could be as simple as an email thread/Facebook group, or shared hobbies or interests, or ways of helping each other out.
2. Make sure that what is being taught gives an accurate depiction of God (Old and New testament), Jesus, the Holy Spirit and the rest of the Bible.
3. Worship that glorifies God and not self.
4. Room to grow – in leadership, service, gifts, callings, knowledge etc.
5. No gossip, manipulativeness, passive aggression or other “meanness”. Definitely not looking to put ourselves in a position to be taken advantage of, or used. Definitely not looking for any negativity at all in this phase of our lives. We have a lot more to protect.
6. Peace

How did you find your tribe? Do you have any tips? Share below!