It hit me today, 3 weeks into motherhood, how much I love being a mom. This is legitimately what I've wanted to do and be with all my heart since I can remember. Playing pretend with my dolls and getting my teddy bears dressed up in Sunday morning, stuffing a pillow up my shirt and waddling around the house like a pregnant woman -- these were the games that marked my young imaginary mind. Here I am now, in this moment I waited for my whole life - and it is not what I imagined at all.
The moment AP was born, the second I heard his cry, it's like someone set a spark to a part of my heart I didn't even know existed and my heart was ablaze. It was different to anything else I'd felt before. I love my husband with every cell in my body, but the love I have for my son is different. I chose to love my husband, I choose to love him everyday, to where now it's not a choice, it just is. He will always exist in the love I have for him. But with my son, it's different, there was no choosing to love him. It just is. Denying my love for him is impossible, there's no way to turn this flame off.
I love my son, I love being a mom, I am truly living my purpose and I'm already counting down the days to expanding the brood. One thing my years of daydreaming and pretend didn't prepare me for was how HARD it would be.
It's hard to go from only worrying about yourself to having the existence of a whole other human being dependent on you. What he eats, what he learns, his perception of the world. It's hard to not sleep -- to know the second your body relaxes, it'll be time to wake up again. It's hard to lay in bed and feel the need to check if your sleeping child is ok 20 times a night. It's hard when you think no one can love your child more than you do and you doubt yourself and your partners' ability. It’s hard to realize breastfeeding is THE full-time job — there are literally no breaks. Once you decide to do it, you’re doing it. It’s on you to feed that baby, the second they need it.
It's hard, but man this love…rich, heady, all encompassing and satisfying.
I love, really, really love being a mom. This right here, this is living now.
Happy Mother's Day!
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