It's officially 3 weeks to Asher's due date! Ah! Where did all the time go?
One thing I've been struggling with this week is questioning whether or not I've really, fully lived in every second of this pregnancy journey. Looking back, I'm trying so hard to remember the little moments. From finding out we were pregnant in our tiny condo, to 3 months being bed-ridden with morning sickness and dehydration, to seeing him waving and kicking at our first sonogram, to figuring out if I had a baby bump or a muffin top, to feeling those first flutters, to the miracle of Zofran, IV fluids and finally feeling alive again, to being able to get off medication and get my appetite back, to officially popping and realizing I can't see my toes, to acing my glucose and other wellness checks, to AP being shy hiding his face and wiggling his booty and costing us hundreds extra in follow up ultrasounds, to feeling him kick while I sit at my desk at work, to feeling him kick anytime he hears Derek's voice for the first time in the morning and after work, to sitting on the couch or laying in bed and watching my stomach contort in all sorts of shapes while he flips and stretches, to anticipating the unknown every step of the way!
Man, it's been such a great ride! I wouldn't trade the last 9 months for anything! I'm so excited to meet our little guy, but at the same time, I feel sad to leave this season behind. Being pregnant is probably the best gift I've ever received and wow, such a privilege. I don't take any of it for granted. God really knew what He was doing when He created this whole process.
The biggest lesson through it all has been giving up control. We were pretty lucky to pretty much get pregnant the month we decided to try. That's pretty much where our role in this whole thing ended. I remember looking in the mirror and FREAKING out because I didn't know what it would feel like for my stomach to grow. I literally remember asking Derek, "Am I just going to wake up one morning and poof, my body looks 100% different?" And a couple of weeks later, wouldn't you know it, I was washing the dishes, and literally felt my belly button pop out, haha.
Another not so minor freak out is not knowing what labor will feel like, or what it is that makes your water break. In my mind I want some sort of explanation or reason behind it, like, maybe I stood up too fast, maybe I bent down too low, you know...something! But everyone's story is so different and the common thread of it is, there's no way to know, it'll happen when it happens, or it may not even happen at all. My mind can't settle for that. I need to know how!!! I hate being caught unprepared, but again, a lesson in letting go.
Needless to say, this song has been on repeat the last few weeks, and as I prep my hospital playlist. I hope it helps you in whatever you may be going through.
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