My son turned 7 weeks old this week. Though in my heart, the journey of motherhood started long before this milestone, officially, I have been a mom for 7 weeks. I'm officially back at work and getting accustomed to this new routine, and soaking up every minute of this season with my little boy who's not so little anymore. AP is growing up so fast. I stored away his newborn clothes last night. Suffice it to say, that was probably one of the more difficult things I've had to do in the last 7 weeks. Especially putting away his tiny camo onesie he wore home from the hospital. He's in 3-6 month clothes now, and that's exciting in itself, but I sure am going to miss that newborn phase.
Apart from the wonder of seeing my baby grow up in front of my very eyes, my thoughts have also gravitated toward the growth I see in myself. Physically, I'm healed, back in the thick of life, doing largely the same activities I had done only a few weeks ago, but something in me feels different. I think the biggest gift motherhood brought me, was finally feeling somewhat settled in my own skin.
First and foremost, my identity is rooted in God. For as long as I live, I hope Christ is the cornerstone of my being. On top of that though, a major change is this gift of the title of mom. What an honor!
At first I was obsessed with the thought of perfection. I'm sure moms can all relate to those first few days with a new baby. Are you holding him right? Is he eating enough? Is all this crying normal? Is he going to tell his therapist how horrible I was of a mom thirty years from now? Maybe not that far, but if you're like me, you had doubts and thought of whether or not you're good enough dash past your mind. Thankfully though, and to all of you freshly minted mamas, those baby blues don't last very long**.
Now, I feel settled, and confident -- not because of anything I do or don't do. I still will make mistakes I'm sure. There will be missteps here and there, but I LOVE this kid, like really, really love him, and I know love covers whatever gaps might exist in my execution. I'm learning, growing and always striving to improve, but I think what matters most, at the end of the day is being able to say, today I did and gave my absolute best for my son.
"Best" will look different everyday. Some days you may be operating on 3 hours of sleep and your best is simply getting up for one more feed just as you're dozing off. Some days you might only get to see him for 30 minutes because you were working all day and you caught him already asleep, but hey, you went out and got a paycheck so your son wouldn't grow up with a legacy of debt, and that makes that 30 minutes your best.
I already feel like presence over perfect is the first core value I've discovered as a parent. To know that my best isn't perfection, my best is being fully present in the love I have for my son. I can't wait to live that out and see what unfolds.
**I have to underscore how important it is to voice those thoughts to someone else. I so appreciate saying this aloud to my OB and having her look me firmly in the eye and remind me how strong I'd just been only a week ago. Negative thoughts, plus a surge of hormones coursing though your body -- it can all feel overwhelming, so please don't be in it alone.
