Present Over Perfect

My son turned 7 weeks old this week. Though in my heart, the journey of motherhood started long before this milestone, officially, I have been a mom for 7 weeks. I'm officially back at work and getting accustomed to this new routine, and soaking up every minute of this season with my little boy who's not so little anymore. AP is growing up so fast. I stored away his newborn clothes last night. Suffice it to say, that was probably one of the more difficult things I've had to do in the last 7 weeks. Especially putting away his tiny camo onesie he wore home from the hospital. He's in 3-6 month clothes now, and that's exciting in itself, but I sure am going to miss that newborn phase.

Apart from the wonder of seeing my baby grow up in front of my very eyes, my thoughts have also gravitated toward the growth I see in myself. Physically, I'm healed, back in the thick of life, doing largely the same activities I had done only a few weeks ago, but something in me feels different. I think the biggest gift motherhood brought me, was finally feeling somewhat settled in my own skin.

First and foremost, my identity is rooted in God. For as long as I live, I hope Christ is the cornerstone of my being. On top of that though, a major change is this gift of the title of mom. What an honor!

At first I was obsessed with the thought of perfection. I'm sure moms can all relate to those first few days with a new baby. Are you holding him right? Is he eating enough? Is all this crying normal? Is he going to tell his therapist how horrible I was of a mom thirty years from now? Maybe not that far, but if you're like me, you had doubts and thought of whether or not you're good enough dash past your mind. Thankfully though, and to all of you freshly minted mamas, those baby blues don't last very long**.

Now, I feel settled, and confident -- not because of anything I do or don't do. I still will make mistakes I'm sure. There will be missteps here and there, but I LOVE this kid, like really, really love him, and I know love covers whatever gaps might exist in my execution. I'm learning, growing and always striving to improve, but I think what matters most, at the end of the day is being able to say, today I did and gave my absolute best for my son.

"Best" will look different everyday. Some days you may be operating on 3 hours of sleep and your best is simply getting up for one more feed just as you're dozing off. Some days you might only get to see him for 30 minutes because you were working all day and you caught him already asleep, but hey, you went out and got a paycheck so your son wouldn't grow up with a legacy of debt, and that makes that 30 minutes your best.

I already feel like presence over perfect is the first core value I've discovered as a parent. To know that my best isn't perfection, my best is being fully present in the love I have for my son. I can't wait to live that out and see what unfolds.

**I have to underscore how important it is to voice those thoughts to someone else. I so appreciate saying this aloud to my OB and having her look me firmly in the eye and remind me how strong I'd just been only a week ago. Negative thoughts, plus a surge of hormones coursing though your body -- it can all feel overwhelming, so please don't be in it alone.

AP's Day: Month I

I'm introducing a new tradition to my family. Every month, on the date of your birthday, we as a family celebrate you in one way or another -- nothing major. Even if it's just reminding you of who you are and all the things we love about you.

As our family gets bigger, I think it'll be a fun way to make sure all our kids get time to get loved on by us, and I see these as special date days, where each kid gets 1 day a month to go out with me and Derek and do something they love to do.

Today is the 18th, which makes today AP's Day!

A. You are every bit your name - you are happy, joyful and I consider myself very, very fortunate to be your mom. You are by far the easiest introduction to motherhood I could have hoped for. We can already tell you are going to be incredibly strong - you were strong making your way into this earth and you are strong still. Every day we ask God for the wisdom to mould your strength to be purposeful to His Kingdom.

You are a leader, and you know what you want, when you want it. You are also just the sweetest, and your smile melts our hearts every.single.time. You are determined and independent, but you also know when you need help, and take it when you can get it. Your touch can melt the stiffest of hearts and you will bring healing to a lot of people in this world. Your eyes are bright and you are incredibly aware, and I think you inherited my discernment, and I hope as you get older, you're able to look beyond the surface and see the heart of the matter in everything that's presented to you. I pray for wisdom to mark your character, all the days of your life.

God's word for you this month:

"There won't be a day, when He's not by your side, 

there won't be a day, than He'll let you fall.

In all of your life, His Word will be true, 

For all of your life, you will worship Him."

That my son, is the key, that's all you need. His Word, and to worship Him, because He is always by your side, and He will never let you fall. 

Just Call Me Mommy

It hit me today, 3 weeks into motherhood, how much I love being a mom. This is legitimately what I've wanted to do and be with all my heart since I can remember. Playing pretend with my dolls and getting my teddy bears dressed up in Sunday morning, stuffing a pillow up my shirt and waddling around the house like a pregnant woman -- these were the games that marked my young imaginary mind. Here I am now, in this moment I waited for my whole life - and it is not what I imagined at all.

The moment AP was born, the second I heard his cry, it's like someone set a spark to a part of my heart I didn't even know existed and my heart was ablaze. It was different to anything else I'd felt before. I love my husband with every cell in my body, but the love I have for my son is different. I chose to love my husband, I choose to love him everyday, to where now it's not a choice, it just is. He will always exist in the love I have for him. But with my son, it's different, there was no choosing to love him. It just is. Denying my love for him is impossible, there's no way to turn this flame off.

I love my son, I love being a mom, I am truly living my purpose and I'm already counting down the days to expanding the brood. One thing my years of daydreaming and pretend didn't prepare me for was how HARD it would be. 

It's hard to go from only worrying about yourself to having the existence of a whole other human being dependent on you. What he eats, what he learns, his perception of the world. It's hard to not sleep -- to know the second your body relaxes, it'll be time to wake up again. It's hard to lay in bed and feel the need to check if your sleeping child is ok 20 times a night. It's hard when you think no one can love your child more than you do and you doubt yourself and your partners' ability. It’s hard to realize breastfeeding is THE full-time job — there are literally no breaks. Once you decide to do it, you’re doing it. It’s on you to feed that baby, the second they need it.

It's hard, but man this love…rich, heady, all encompassing and satisfying.

I love, really, really love being a mom. This right here, this is living now.

Happy Mother's Day!

Pregnancy Highlights & Letting Go

It's officially 3 weeks to Asher's due date! Ah! Where did all the time go?

One thing I've been struggling with this week is questioning whether or not I've really, fully lived in every second of this pregnancy journey. Looking back, I'm trying so hard to remember the little moments. From finding out we were pregnant in our tiny condo, to 3 months being bed-ridden with morning sickness and dehydration, to seeing him waving and kicking at our first sonogram, to figuring out if I had a baby bump or a muffin top, to feeling those first flutters, to the miracle of Zofran, IV fluids and finally feeling alive again, to being able to get off medication and get my appetite back, to officially popping and realizing I can't see my toes, to acing my glucose and other wellness checks, to AP being shy hiding his face and wiggling his booty and costing us hundreds extra in follow up ultrasounds, to feeling him kick while I sit at my desk at work, to feeling him kick anytime he hears Derek's voice for the first time in the morning and after work, to sitting on the couch or laying in bed and watching my stomach contort in all sorts of shapes while he flips and stretches, to anticipating the unknown every step of the way!

Man, it's been such a great ride! I wouldn't trade the last 9 months for anything! I'm so excited to meet our little guy, but at the same time, I feel sad to leave this season behind. Being pregnant is probably the best gift I've ever received and wow, such a privilege. I don't take any of it for granted. God really knew what He was doing when He created this whole process.

The biggest lesson through it all has been giving up control. We were pretty lucky to pretty much get pregnant the month we decided to try. That's pretty much where our role in this whole thing ended. I remember looking in the mirror and FREAKING out because I didn't know what it would feel like for my stomach to grow. I literally remember asking Derek, "Am I just going to wake up one morning and poof, my body looks 100% different?" And a couple of weeks later, wouldn't you know it, I was washing the dishes, and literally felt my belly button pop out, haha.

Another not so minor freak out is not knowing what labor will feel like, or what it is that makes your water break. In my mind I want some sort of explanation or reason behind it, like, maybe I stood up too fast, maybe I bent down too low, you know...something! But everyone's story is so different and the common thread of it is, there's no way to know, it'll happen when it happens, or it may not even happen at all. My mind can't settle for that. I need to know how!!! I hate being caught unprepared, but again, a lesson in letting go.

Needless to say, this song has been on repeat the last few weeks, and as I prep my hospital playlist. I hope it helps you in whatever you may be going through.

Valentine's Day 2017

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope you are having fun celebrating with your friends, loved ones or that special someone. 

This is our first married, and it's got me feeling all sorts of nostalgic and lovey-dovey. I wasn't planning or expecting to do anything special for Valentines. We had a date night on Saturday and splurged more than we usually do, so I thought that would be it for our celebration, but then Derek decided we should at least go get each other a card. 

So I wake up this morning, and find on the dining room table, a card, a box of chocolate, and the best part of it all, was this great letter that was just...great! Derek totally won Valentine's Day this year, hands down. To which he said, "Stop, there's no winning, I just wanted to make it special for you." Gah! He wins even more.

It all got me thinking about how two weeks after we met, I heard a voice telling me, “this is it, this is love.” The only way I can describe that feeling is when you’ve saved up your entire life to go on vacation and see the ocean for the first time. So you finally get to pack your bags, and head out and land on a beach on a beautiful island. You walk to the shore line and wade in, anticipating a gentle caress of the ocean water, but instead, the tides catch you unprepared and knocks you off your feet. It's beautiful and overwhelming and fills you with joy and nervous energy all at the same time.

Until last year, I've never had a boyfriend on Valentine's day & last year we were long-distance, so 2017 was literally my first card and box of chocolate from a boy! So to a certain extent, I have to admit I was a bit incredulous to the possibility that my prayers would be answered when it came to falling in love. We’ve all been there, we make our lists and check them twice, and we think we know and are ready for what’s to come, but you never really know until everything you want hits you in the face. Then, we get a chance to choose whether we’ll open your arms to it, or run away from it.

That moment for me was after I made a mistake, a totally unnecessary mistake born out of a mix of shame and lack of faith. I told a lie of omission, because I didn’t think it would matter. Unfortunately, for something that “didn’t matter”, the guilt of it ate me up inside, because a part of me knew I was falling in love and there was no room for lies or misunderstandings where we were going. So I confessed, and the way that my then-new-boyfriend handled it, and his gracefulness in that moment did it for me, and that’s when I heard that voice — quickly followed by a mini panic attack on my end like, “oh my gosh is this it?! oh my gosh is this it?! oh my gosh this is it!!!!” 

I had a great talk with my mentors about how to navigate different seasons in life and they said something that marked me forever. They said, the first thing they look for is a Word from the Lord. 

Sometimes we’re placed in situations that require an unshakeable trust in the things that the Father has said to look for in that season. Knowing His word gives momentary things a purpose. If you don’t have a Word from the Lord, get one: ask Him and He’ll find a way to show you.

So here we are standing on the threshold of the rest of the rest of our lives and whatever “it” looks like. I know that we’re still in the “ladida” honeymoon phase of our relationship, but I’m so grateful to know that through good times and bad times, I can lean on His Word over our lives.

Community – Finding A Tribe

One of the first questions we had to figure out while we were getting to know one another was what our beliefs were, our core values and of course, where our home base would be in terms of community and fellowship.

We both felt like we’d done enough church-hopping to where it wasn’t about finding the latest in a line of churches to go to once a week. I feel like in this season, believers are finding the importance of community, and breaking down the barrier between pulpit and congregation, and we wanted to be involved with people that really went after community and made it happen, not just using it as a tagline.

So our eyes quickly shifted from finding a “church” to finding a tribe. We wanted to find a group of people we could invest in not just once or twice a week, but have real friendships we could pull on, exercise leadership, be known and seen and know and see others. A place where our future kids would find history and be set up for life, and where we could potentially see ourselves changing the world from. We envisioned studying the Bible sitting around a fire, with kids around us making s’mores, or road trips to the beach after reading the Scriptures. We pictured sitting around a living room floor sharing testimonies and prayer requests and singing worship songs together. We saw meals around dinner tables celebrating feasts and holidays and birthdays and graduations.

Most importantly, we saw a family of believers gathered around what’s most important – truth of the Word in it’s entirety. Meaning loving and believing everything that God says to be true. Bible-study was one of our hugest priorities, and us being in a culture that emphasized studying the Bible and being priests in our own home, rather than waiting for someone on a stage or pulpit to feed us.

Equally important, if this was going to be a place we’d commit to, we’d have to feel peace about it. Sabbath days are supposed to be days of rest and community, it should recharge us for the rest of the week. So we wouldn’t say yes to a place that left us more exhausted than we were before we got there.

We’re still in the process of finding “it”, and we’ll keep you guys updated, but for now here’s a summary of what to look for while finding a tribe, that we’ve been applying in our lives:

1. A place that makes community family happen through the week: this could be as simple as an email thread/Facebook group, or shared hobbies or interests, or ways of helping each other out.
2. Make sure that what is being taught gives an accurate depiction of God (Old and New testament), Jesus, the Holy Spirit and the rest of the Bible.
3. Worship that glorifies God and not self.
4. Room to grow – in leadership, service, gifts, callings, knowledge etc.
5. No gossip, manipulativeness, passive aggression or other “meanness”. Definitely not looking to put ourselves in a position to be taken advantage of, or used. Definitely not looking for any negativity at all in this phase of our lives. We have a lot more to protect.
6. Peace

How did you find your tribe? Do you have any tips? Share below!

God Is Faithful

Some days, we need the assurance that it is awesome and expected of us to have great hope and extravagant dreams. God is so faithful to our needs in the now. It may not always feel like it, but this quote by Andy Mason says it all, “God is faithful to fulfill His promises. Keep walking. Steward the testimony. Keep your heart aligned with thanksgiving.”

It’s so easy to doubt this assurance in the middle of a storm and ask why His provision doesn’t look like a grand rescue from the midst of trouble – a surprise check in the mail, an immediate healing from disease or whatever your desire is? In moments like those, I have to keep reminding myself that I would always rather walk through the valley with Him, than on a mountaintop without Him. It’s counter-intuitive to think in the valley moments, that those days are meant not to crush you, but to draw you closer and to teach you a reliance you wouldn’t be able to experience otherwise.

God doesn’t need to toss you in the middle of a valley to teach you to love Him. He’s not manipulative like that. He said that even as we walk through the valley, He will be with us. Though darkness surrounds us, the Light will overcome the darkness.

In these moments, I have learnt to have a big yes. Have a big yes in your heart because a strong yes is your best no. I can’t be in 2 places at the same time. In saying yes and agreeing with the promises of God, I have no room for doubt and fear.

Have a big yes in your heart because a strong yes is your best no. CLICK TO TWEET

Realize that there is a process involved and God’s promise will be fulfilled. When? That’s up to Him. It may be tomorrow, or it might be like Abraham, who’s been dead for thousands of years but his promise is still being fulfilled today! We don’t know. All we know is that He is good and He is true. All we can do is be faithful with what’s in our hands right now. As much as we’re longing for God’s faithfulness, we have the responsibility to carry faithfulness within us as well.

Sometimes we pray for an oak tree but kill the acorn not realizing that God is less about… CLICK TO TWEET

Hope isn’t ignoring the situation or having blinders on. You have to stay on top of things and be aware of what’s going on. Peter was aware He was in the middle of the sea when he stepped out of the boat. The problem was when his awareness of the sea became bigger than his awareness of Jesus standing in front of him. The more I focus on God, who owns it all in the first place, the better and more focused I am, and the more confident I am that He will come through for me in His Jireh ways.

Sometimes, you just have to be stubborn. You just have to fight for it. You have to put up a fight for your own heart. We all know the truth, we all know in our heads what we should believe. We need to fight to get that truth down to our hearts.

Boldly declare it, roar it out, punch a pillow, pray in tongues, hit some golf balls over a lake, whatever you need to do to get the frustration of doubt out and break down those walls, do it. Personally, I may or may not have, once, taken a tennis racket to my bed and whacked it screaming bloody murder “I HAVE TO SEE JESUS!”…but hey, it worked.

I have to make a statement to myself and to heaven and to all of creation that I believe with a violent force that my God comes through and will come through for me!

We would love to pray for you, so if you’re struggling with doubt or you’re in a valley season, please leave a comment down below. We always respond!

Hello December!

I love December, don't you? The air is cheerier, there's excitement floating around, Christmas is around the corner, twinkling lights and decorations everywhere. Speaking of Christmas, this will be my first white Christmas, so I'm definitely excited about that! I just can't wait to see what the season holds!

Pregnancy Week 5 to 13 #MorningSickness

Oh man, remember last week when I said how I wasn’t feeling any morning sickness, or anything really and how I wish I was so I could “feel” pregnant…be careful what you ask for. This week has probably been the most physically and emotionally challenging week of my life!

Spotting | Most women experience spotting around the time of their period – it happens for any number of reasons, like implantation bleeding, or just extra fluid with the thickening of the uterine wall. Well, I did not have any spotting during implantation, but we went to play tennis on day 1 of the week, and I guess all that exertion got things moving in there, and I had a little spotting over the next 2 days. It was all totally normal, and in the list of things to expect – I probably did have implantation bleeding, but it just took it’s time making it’s way out. So like I said, totally normal and to be expected – but I was honestly so freaked out. And I think that’s something I’ll save for another blog – fear! I don’t even want to think about that day and how I felt, I think all my anxiety compounded into that one day, and it was just not a good day.

Morning Sickness | The morning all-day sickness has just wreaked havoc on me. The only time I haven’t been nauseous in this first trimester, and when I’ve felt even remotely like myself, is probably four hours between 4 am and 8 am.

And it’s not like being nauseous, then throwing up and feeling better, it’s just that 5 minutes before you’re about to get sick repeated on a loop over and over throughout the day. One night, I was sick all day and night, worse than I’ve EVER felt, and before we went to bed, I told Derek, if I don’t get sick before tomorrow, I’m going to be really surprised. Cut to 3am, I’m in fetal position in bed, I couldn’t sleep and I’m just crying because I just felt so sick, I finally woke my husband up and said, “Babe, I need some help, can you get me the trashcan and some ice water with apple cider vinegar.” I literally felt like if I got up, I would not make it to the bathroom. After drinking the water, and calming down a little, and praying, I finally was able to get some rest, like I said, the only times I can really sleep, like a deep sleep, is between 10pm-2am, and 4am-8am.

I’ve been taking Unisom and Vitamin B6 prescribed by my doctor. I finally had to cave in, and had Derek call the hospital and they told me to go to the ER. So, he had to leave work, and come take me in. I can smile looking back now, but whooo, guys, that was rough! I was pale, and could barely walk and had to get an IV with fluids and medication, etc. etc. But, literally within the hour of the medication starting, I ate a sandwich – you guys, I hadn’t eaten real food (anything apart from rice, smoothies and pineapples) for WEEKS! Needless to say, we got our prescription filled that day.

I hate medicine, and chemicals and the fact that most drugs have a longer list of side-effects than seems worth it, but, I guess, as I’ll learn from motherhood, not everything is in my control. It’s OK to hold on to your standards, but at some point, my stubbornness was preventing me from actually enjoying my pregnancy and being able to nourish my baby. So, I learned from that experience, to let go of my plans and trust that God gave me the wisdom to know what to do moment by moment. I am so thankful that I was able to get some help so I could actually feel alive again.

I am SO thankful for my husband. “In sickness and in health” started literally a month after our wedding and I am SO thankful to have it confirmed so soon that I married way, way up.

Baby #1 Weeks 3-4

Here’s what happened in pregnancy week 3 and 4 🙂

Week 3

“This week, your baby is smaller than a poppy seed. As sperm meets egg, fertilization occurs and your baby-to-be takes form — as a tiny group of cells.” – What To Expect

• Feeling semi-nauseous, not sick, but just not myself, and that I’m dragging around an anchor with my chest, lol.
• Feeling SUPER tired and sleepy – this may also have something to do with calming down from 3 months of intense wedding planning and 2 weeks of honeymooning/newly-wedding/traveling with my mom.
• Something is definitely up and sure enough, 7 tests later, we are officially 3 weeks pregnant! (Baby is 1 week old. Pregnancy is measured from 2 weeks before you’re actually pregnant. Confusing I know.)
• Decided not to tell anyone until we were sure, but I ended up telling my mom, Derek told his mom, and our close friend at his job.

*Welcome to earth sweet pea!

Week 4

“Guess what? It’s implantation time! The blastocyst burrows into the uterine lining, then splits to form the placenta and the embryo. The amniotic sac (also called the bag of waters) forms around it, and so does the yolk sac, which will later be incorporated into your baby’s developing digestive tract. The baby is now 3 layers of cells, which will begin to develop into the specialized parts of baby’s body.” | – What To Expect

• This week, the nausea all pretty much went away. I guess it was God’s way of letting me know there was a bun in the oven. I think for most women it starts out from week 6-11, so I’m enjoying these peaceful moments, haha!
• I’ve been craving healthy food – not sure if that’s a craving, or just the realization that I’m about to gain 15 pounds in the next nine months and I do not want to become a whale. That in addition to making sure everything keeps moving – I hear preggo constipation is no joke! I also started taking my prenatal vitamins & DHA’s a.k.a, baby’s first take-out meal 😀

*Pumpkin, please take all the nutrients you need! 

• I missed my super regular monthly companion for the first time in my life, so I guess it’s official!
• I stood up to go to the bathroom and I thought to myself, “wait didn’t I just go to the bathroom?!” Despite that, I’m still committed to drinking 8 glasses of water a day to keep this babe healthy.
• The bloat is real…somehow I passed my husband on the how loud can you get meter. I blame it on the healthy eating! For the record, I firmly believe mine don’t smell 😀
• Cramps here, cramps there, cramps everywhere. Oh man, every time we’re in the car driving somewhere, then we get out, I feel like my muscles are stuck together and I’m trying to rip them apart. It is somewhat bearable once you find out it’s a normal part of the process, and you’re not scared out of your mind thinking something is wrong. What To Expect says, “A feeling of pressure in your tummy or even mild cramps without bleeding is very common, especially in first pregnancies, and is usually a sign that everything is going right, not that something’s wrong. What you’re feeling may be the sensation of embryo implantation, increased blood flow, the thickening of the uterine lining or even the growth of your uterus, and it could just be gas pains.” Abdominal cramps are one thing, but the night time leg cramps…OH MY GOSH! My leg cramped up so bad one night I was pretty sure a vein had burst and woke my husband up in the middle of the night to tell him as much! Btw, this is so fun to be going through this right when we started living together, midnight conversations for the win!
• At around w4d5, all the symptoms, except for the occasional lower ab muscle tightness pretty much went away, to the point that I had to take another test just to be sure I hadn’t dreamed up the whole thing. Yup, still there. I think after implantation, things kind of lull down and the baby gets to do some of the hard work.
• Tried working out, going on an uphill jog, not for even a minute, but I was so winded and out of breath, it felt like I’d just ran a marathon. I’m sure it doesn’t help that I live on top of a mountain, but hey, can’t blame a girl for trying!
• Told my best friend, and told more people at Derek’s job…the excitement is real people!

Finding Out About Bean

We found out we were pregnant extremely early, right around 3w4d. Fun fact, pregnancy is measured from the day of your last period, not from the day of conception, so technically, at this point the baby was just a week old little ball of cells, lol.

I remember we had just gotten home from honeymooning/playing tourist and all day, I felt weird, like you just ate too much mac n cheese and topped it off with a lime margarita, not that I’ve ever had a margarita but that’s how I felt, lol. I chalked it up to eating too much restaurant food because all we’d done for the 2 weeks after the wedding was go out to dinner almost every night, not to mention having boxes and boxes of leftover cake we still had from the wedding.

Anyway, this feeling didn’t go away, I wasn’t “sick”, I was just not myself, and I’d wake up at 3 in the morning with this feeling. On the second night waking up like this, I woke up and went to find Derek, who was getting ready for work and I told him, “I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.” And he asked me why I thought so, and said not to worry about it or get too excited because really, there’s no way we’d even be able to tell this early. But I just knew.

I decided to pick up a dollar tree test just to see. And I got a faint pink line.

I always thought when I got pregnant, I would come up with this really cute way of telling my husband and filming his response, and all that cuteness. Yeah, it didn’t quite go like that. I just texted him something like, “Hey, about what we talked about, can you pick up some tests on your way home.” When he got home, I went to meet him in the car, and handed him that test, and he got the biggest smile on his face, and we just sat in the car for almost half an hour processing, kind of being excited, but not really because it was still so early, and we wanted to make sure. We went in and did 2 more tests, and another test on week 5, and another test on week 6, all to make sure I was absolutely positive before I went in to the hospital.

From the very beginning, I felt an instant connection and love for this little one. You can’t even begin to imagine how happy our hearts were and how much love we felt from when this baby was no bigger than the size of the period at the end of this sentence. Can you believe how much God loves us then, because to Him we are just a speck too, and the way we love this baby doesn’t even begin to compare to the way He loves us!

Ahh! I’m so thankful!

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” | 1 Samuel 1:27

---

Next up on the blog is Week 3-4 recap